As the culture wars continue to escalate, many have cast the “woke mind virus” as public enemy No. 1. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how woke culture is destroying America, and this is what they said.
“It makes people have too much sex or too little sex, I’m not sure which.”
“Because of the woke mob, every time I look at teenagers now all I can think about is what genitals they may or may not have. I know I’m not the only one.”
“I was in incredible physical shape back before the country went all woke.”
“A hundred years ago you’d walk down the street and see at least a dozen fellas playing the spoons. Nowadays? No spoons. That’s the left.”
“My child asked me if anything bad has ever happened to anyone ever. As a parent, what am I supposed to say to that?”
“The woke mind virus made me addicted to gay pornography.”
“It’s had a negligible effect on what we’ve been building, but it’s mildly annoying.”
“The public’s obsession with wokeness has resulted in some pretty boring book club selections these past few years.”
“All of a sudden I have to watch Aladdin thinking Aladdin is the hero, when we all know that it’s all villains because it’s set in the Middle East.”
“Dave Chappelle makes a couple jokes about trans people, and—poof!—he disappears from the face of the earth.”
“It’s turning kids into chupacabras, but the mainstream media won’t tell you.”
“The world laughs less now that 50-year-olds exclusively expound upon their battles with cancellation.”
Woke culture created Hamilton the musical, and now my kids think they can rap-sing like Daveed Diggs.
“Gone are the days when people respected law enforcement officers’ need to inflict violence on Black people.”
“You can’t even chant ‘Jews will not replace us’ without being called a Nazi by the fascist left.”
“I should be the one to decide whether my child learns that slavery has ended.”
“Donald Duck is gay now, according to my slash fiction. That’s woke culture for you.”
“How can we have a country when we can’t even rationally discuss which races have to go?”
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